Attachment Styles
Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, Disorganized
Attachment theory was founded by John Bowlby (1969–1980, the "Attachment", "Separation" and "Loss" trilogy) and operationalized by Mary Ainsworth (the Strange Situation, 1978). Four adult attachment styles were described by Hazan & Shaver (1987) and Bartholomew & Horowitz (1991): secure (~50% of people, trust and balance), anxious/preoccupied (~20%, fear of abandonment), avoidant/dismissing (~25%, discomfort with intimacy), and disorganized/fearful (~5%, oscillation between closeness and rejection). Clinical tool: the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI; George, Kaplan & Main). ScanMyLove analyzes message frequency, response times, reassurance-seeking and the pursuer/withdrawer dynamic to identify each partner's dominant style.
What ScanMyLove measures:
Attachment style, pursuer/withdrawer dynamic, emotional security.
Understanding the model
Attachment theory, founded by John Bowlby and operationalized by Mary Ainsworth (the Strange Situation, 1978), describes how early bonds shape the way we relate as adults. Hazan & Shaver (1987) and Bartholomew & Horowitz (1991) defined four adult styles: secure (~50%), anxious/preoccupied (~20%, fear of abandonment), avoidant/dismissing (~25%, discomfort with closeness) and disorganized/fearful (~5%, push-pull). Your style is not a fixed label but a tendency that becomes visible under stress — exactly where written conversations are revealing.
The four adult attachment styles
| Style | In relationships | Signals in messages |
|---|---|---|
| Secure | Comfortable with both closeness and autonomy | Steady tone, direct repair after conflict, no score-keeping |
| Anxious / preoccupied | Fear of abandonment, strong need for reassurance | Rapid replies, frequent reassurance-seeking ("do you still love me?"), protest after silence, double-texting |
| Avoidant / dismissing | Values independence, uneasy with intimacy | Long response latencies, deactivating phrases ("I’m fine", "it’s nothing"), withdrawal after moments of closeness |
| Disorganized / fearful | Simultaneously wants and fears closeness (push-pull) | Rapid swings between intense pursuit and sudden withdrawal, mixed signals within the same thread |
How ScanMyLove applies it
ScanMyLove looks at concrete behavioral signals in your messages: who initiates and who withdraws, response latency, frequency of reassurance-seeking ("do you still love me?"), protest behavior after silence, and the pursuer/withdrawer loop that characterizes anxious–avoidant pairings. From these signals it estimates each partner’s dominant style and how the two styles interact.
What the report reveals
A typical report shows, for example, an anxious partner (high reassurance-seeking, fast replies, protest after delays) paired with an avoidant partner (longer latencies, deactivating language, distance after closeness) — the classic anxious–avoidant trap. The report names the pattern, shows where it escalates, and suggests how each partner can move toward earned security.
Frequently asked questions
Can my attachment style change?
Yes. Attachment is a tendency, not a fixed trait. Research on "earned security" shows that relationships, therapy and self-awareness can move someone toward a secure style over time.
What is the anxious–avoidant trap?
It is the self-reinforcing loop where an anxious partner pursues closeness while an avoidant partner withdraws, each amplifying the other’s fear. ScanMyLove detects this pursuer/withdrawer dynamic in your message timing and content.
Can you really detect attachment style from texts?
Texts capture timing, initiation, reassurance-seeking and withdrawal — the very behaviors attachment research measures. ScanMyLove uses these as proxies; the result is an indication, not a clinical diagnosis (which uses tools like the AAI).
Ready to analyze your relationship?
14 clinical models. 20+ charts. A complete report. 100% anonymous.
Analyze my conversation