Walker's Cycle of Violence: Its Traces in a Conversation

This article addresses relational violence. In case of danger, in France contact 3919 (Violences Femmes Info, anonymous and free) or 17 in an emergency; elsewhere, your local emergency number.

A cycle that turns, and that holds

Psychologist Lenore Walker described, from her work with abused women, a pattern that recurs in many violent relationships: the cycle of violence, in three phases. First the rising tension (irritability, reproaches, a heavy climate); then the explosion (the violent episode — verbal, psychological, or physical); finally the honeymoon (apologies, promises, the return of tenderness). Then the cycle starts over — often tightening, the explosion becoming more frequent.

In the article that follows, I explore how to read your partner's messages. I also want you to know about ScanMyLove, a tool that analyses your conversations with your partner from a simple export of your exchanges. The results help you understand the interaction and the patterns at play in your relationship.

🔗 Analyze your conversations with ScanMyLove — Because tension, explosion and honeymoon leave dated traces in messages, uploading your thread can help you see the cycle repeating over time — while remembering that if you are in danger, contacting 3919 or 17 comes first.

It's precisely the honeymoon phase that holds: it revives hope, makes you believe in change, and makes leaving so hard. These phases leave, in messages, traces the timeline reveals.

Why a message doesn't show the cycle

A tender message says nothing; a harsh one neither. The cycle of violence is recognized by the repeated alternation of the three phases over time: the rise of tension, the rupture, the intense reconciliation, and the restart. This cyclical structure only shows over many exchanges.

The written word preserves this repetition. Re-reading the history, you can spot the pattern: periods of mounting tension (increasingly accusatory, controlling messages), followed by an episode (insults, threats, an abrupt break in tone), then a wave of apology and declaration messages ("I love you so much, it won't happen again"). The regular return of this sequence is the signal — far more than any isolated message.

The three phases and their written traces

• Tension phase: increasingly critical, controlling, irritable messages; a climate of insecurity; you "walk on eggshells."
• Explosion phase: insults, threats, violent contempt, or an abrupt break; sometimes followed by punitive silence.
• Honeymoon phase: intense apologies, declarations of love, promises of change, gifts, idealization — the sequence that revives hope.

The most alarming marker is the repetition: the same cycle, again and again, often with honeymoons that shorten and explosions that intensify.

Reading the cycle in the history

• The cyclical alternation: does tension → explosion → reconciliation replay regularly?
• The escalation: do the episodes draw closer, intensify?
• The extreme contrast: a swing from violence to idealization, with no measured transition.
• Your adaptation: do your messages become cautious, anticipating tension (a sign of grip)?

Seeing this cycle from within is extremely hard: the honeymoon erases, each time, the memory of the explosion. The analysis from ScanMyLove can help objectify these alternations in your exchange history — the recurrence of the phases — to make visible a cycle hope makes you forget at each reconciliation.

Recognizing to protect yourself

Identifying the cycle isn't a judgment, it's protection:

• Don't read the honeymoon as proof of change. As long as the cycle repeats, the promises are part of the mechanism, not its resolution.
• Count the cycles. An episode can be an accident; a repetition is a pattern.
• Measure the escalation. If explosions draw closer or worsen, the danger grows.
• Seek support. Understanding coercive control, via a psychological test, helps leave denial; support at the practice helps; and in case of violence, specialized resources exist (in France, 3919, anonymous and free). You don't have to carry this alone.

The written word defeats the honeymoon's amnesia

The cycle of violence draws its strength from a cruel mechanism: the honeymoon erases the explosion, at each turn, and revives hope. The written word resists this erasure: it preserves the phases in their order, and reveals the repetition reconciliation makes you forget. Where each promise seems a fresh start, the history shows the cycle — and recognizing that it turns, again and again, is often the first step to no longer enduring it.

Gildas Garrec, CBT Psychopractitioner