Sternberg's Theory of Love: The 8 Types of Love and Yours

Sternberg's Theory of Love: The 8 Types of Love and Yours

Love is not monolithic. This is a discovery that Robert Sternberg, a psychologist at Yale, formalized in his triangular theory of love: three dimensions (intimacy, passion, commitment) combine to create eight distinct configurations. Some nourish, others destroy.

What makes this theory particularly useful in clinical psychology is that it lets you name what you feel. And when you can name something, you can analyze it. In a romantic relationship, especially one that has become toxic or manipulative, rereading the messages you have exchanged in light of these eight types often reveals what you hadn't dared to see: you don't love, you cling. You aren't loved, you are used.

That is exactly the work we are going to do here, staying anchored in the written word, in the messages that freeze reality in place.

In the article that follows, I look at Sternberg's theory as applied to the psychology of toxic relationships. If you recognize yourself in some of these types of love, I have designed an attachment style test that helps you take stock of how you love and how you attach. It comes with a guide to extend your reflection beyond the results. I have also written a book on this subject, Comprendre son attachement, if you would like to go further.

Sternberg's three pillars

Before exploring the eight types, let's recall the three dimensions:

• Intimacy: warmth, trust, the feeling of being known and accepted.
• Passion: physical attraction, desire, emotional excitement.
• Commitment: the decision to stay, to build together, to invest over the long term.

A healthy love contains all three. A toxic love plays with the balance between them to maintain a hold over you.

The 8 types of love (and what the messages reveal)

1. Nonlove (no dimension)

This is the empty relationship. No intimacy, no passion, no real commitment. In messages, it reads as silence or purely factual exchanges.

"OK. What time?" — a one-word reply, no question in return, no warmth.

2. Liking (intimacy alone)

A deep friendship, a tenderness without passion or a shared project. It is often what remains after a breakup that was never fully digested: you talk, you confide in each other, but you are no longer together.

"I'm really glad we still talk. I miss you, but I know it's better this way."

3. Infatuation (passion alone)

Love at first sight, obsession, a visceral need. No real knowledge of the other person, no lasting project. This is the type of love in which messages go wild: dozens a day, fiery declarations, constant urgency.

"I think about you every second. I can't live without you. I love you more than anything." — sent after three dates.

4. Empty love (commitment alone)

A relationship out of habit, out of fear of loneliness, out of social obligation. There is a project (marriage, children, a house), but nothing truly nourishes it anymore. The messages become to-do lists.

"Don't forget the groceries. And call the plumber." — repeated day after day, without a single personal question, without a joke.

5. Romantic love (intimacy + passion)

The love of the early days, the love of the movies. You desire each other, you really talk, but you haven't yet decided to build something together. It is fragile, intense, often short-lived.

"I love you when you laugh like that. I want to get to know you even more." — followed by moments of physical and emotional closeness.

6. Companionate love (intimacy + commitment)

The couple that has stood the test of time. You know each other deeply, you have built together, but the passion has dulled. It is stable, deep, but sometimes stifling for the one who still needs desire.

"I know you're going through a difficult time. I'm here, always." — accompanied by concrete actions: presence, support, consistency.

7. Fatuous love (passion + commitment)

This is the couple that argues intensely but stays together. A lot of passion, a lot of investment, but little real intimacy. The messages alternate between fiery declarations and cutting reproaches.

"I love you so much that I can't let you do this!" — followed, a few hours later, by "You're unbearable, but I can't leave you."

This type is particularly toxic when it is mixed with manipulation. The person who loves this way uses passion as a weapon: "If you really loved me, you would..." The messages turn into emotional blackmail.

8. Consummate love (intimacy + passion + commitment)

This is the ideal: you desire each other, you know each other, you build together. It is rare and fragile. The messages breathe balance: humor, tenderness, trust, plans.

"I've been thinking about what we said yesterday. You're right, we should try. And tonight, I'd like to see you."

Where toxicity takes hold: the hijacking of the types

Danger arises when a person manipulates the type of love in order to maintain a hold over you. This is where analyzing messages becomes crucial.

Infatuation as a weapon

A narcissistic abuser can drown you in messages of pure infatuation: "You're perfect", "I can't live without you", "I love you more than anything". These messages are hypnotic. They create dependence. But there is no real intimacy: he never asks you questions about yourself, he talks about himself, about his needs, about his supposed love for you.

Rereading a hundred infatuation messages over three months, you see a pattern: intimacy never arrives. And that is precisely the point: infatuation on its own is a tool of control.

Fatuous love as a trap

"I love you so much that you can't leave me", "If you loved me, you'd understand", "I do everything for you, and this is how you treat me?"

These messages mix passion and guilt-tripping. There is displayed commitment, but it is a coercive commitment: "I'm invested, so you owe me obedience." As Gottman showed, this type of dynamic creates what is known as toxic criticism and contempt. The messages alternate between declarations of love and cutting accusations.

Empty love as a prison

Sometimes it is silence that kills. No more passion, no more intimacy, but a commitment that refuses to leave. The messages become orders: "Be there at 7 p.m.", "Why did you talk to your friend?"

It is a form of love that has mutated into control. And the worst part is that you can stay in this type for years, telling yourself that you "must" keep going.

How to analyze your messages with Sternberg in mind

Ask yourself these questions as you reread your conversations:

Intimacy: Does your partner ask you questions about yourself? Do they truly confide in you? Or do they mostly talk about themselves, their needs, what they want from you?

Passion: Is there mutual desire? Or does one person desire much more than the other? Is desire used as currency ("If you loved me, you would...")?

Commitment: Are you really building together? Or is the commitment one-sided, with you investing while the other withdraws or imposes?

Rereading hundreds of messages on your own is exhausting; this is exactly the work that ScanMyLove does from a simple export. The tool analyzes your conversations through fourteen clinical models, including Sternberg's, and helps you see the pattern that love prevents you from seeing.

The underlying wounds

What Sternberg doesn't say is why we choose a particular type of love. This is where CBT and Young's schemas come into play.

If you are drawn to infatuation (passion alone), it is often because an abandonment wound makes you believe that intensity = love. If you accept empty love, it may be a defectiveness schema: you don't deserve better.

As we saw in our article on Young's 18 schemas, each type of love we choose tells a story about us, a story that can be rewritten.

Signs that your type of love has become toxic

• The messages become weapons: you are blamed for what you feel, you are made to feel guilty, you are threatened with being left.
• One of the three pillars disappears completely for months or years.
• You feel like you are walking on eggshells: every message has to be measured so as not to trigger a crisis.
• Your partner isolates you: they ask you to see your friends and family less.
• The messages contain repeated lies or glaring contradictions.

If you recognize these signs, it may be time to seek professional help. Not to "save" the relationship, but to save yourself.

Toward a healthier love

Consummate love is never perfect. But it has a quality that the other types lack: reciprocity. You give and receive. You build together, not against each other.

If you are currently in a type of love that hurts you, know that it is often because you learned as a child that this was normal. As Bowlby showed in his work on attachment, our first models of love come from our parents. If one of them was absent, controlling or distant, you may have internalized that this is what love is.

That is false. And it can be repaired.

CBT offers tools to identify these patterns and change them. Analyzing your messages is one of them: seeing in black and white what you are accepting is the first step toward refusing it.

Why messages never lie

A single message can always be reinterpreted. But hundreds of timestamped messages over six months, a year, draw a pattern that the lover's mind cannot rewrite. The patterns of commitment, passion, intimacy, or their absence, become undeniable.

That is why, if you have doubts, the written word is your ally. Export your conversations. Reread them without the emotion of the moment. Ask yourself: What type of love does this look like? Is this what I want?

The answer you find may be a hard one. But it will be true.

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Gildas Garrec, CBT practitioner