Idealisation Then Devaluation: A Cycle Written in Messages

Idealisation Then Devaluation: A Cycle Written in Messages

You reread your old messages and you no longer recognise yourself in them. At the beginning, it was constant compliments, promises, shared dreams. Then, gradually, the tone changed. The reproaches multiplied. You became the source of every problem. How did a relationship that seemed perfect turn into a nightmare?

This cycle of idealisation followed by devaluation is one of the most destructive relational dynamics there is. And here is what makes it particularly insidious: it unfolds over time and takes clear shape in your written messages. Unlike a spoken conversation that you forget or reinterpret, your texts, WhatsApp and Messenger threads keep a time-stamped record of every stage of the process. It is that written record that reveals the pattern you may have sensed without being able to name it.

Understanding the cycle: from illusion to collapse

The psychologist John Gottman and attachment researchers (Bowlby, Ainsworth) have shown that some individuals, particularly those with narcissistic or borderline traits, operate according to a predictable relational pattern: rapid idealisation → progressive devaluation → discard (abandonment) or a cycle of reconciliation.

This is not a matter of conscious malice in every case. It is often a defence mechanism: the person needs to idealise you in order to justify the emotional investment, then needs to devalue you in order to keep control or to flee real intimacy.

In written messages, this cycle becomes as readable as an open book.

Phase 1: Idealisation (weeks 1 to 8)

The first messages are euphoric, intensified, saturated with admiration:

• "You are the most extraordinary person I have ever met. I cannot believe you actually exist."
• "We are so perfect together. Nobody understands us the way we understand each other."
• "I have never felt this with anyone else. You saved me."

These messages are not simply kind. They are excessive, fusional, predictive. The person projects an immediate future, talks about marriage, children, long-term plans after only a few weeks. They use superlatives: "never", "always", "perfect". What this reveals: An inability to see the real person. They idealise your image, not you. They build a fantasy in which you are the answer to all their emptiness. It is addictive for whoever receives these messages, but it is also a red flag.

Phase 2: The first doubts (weeks 8 to 16)

Then comes the moment when you say or do something that does not match the idealised image. You have a different opinion, you are busy, you express a need. And there, the tone shifts imperceptibly:

• "I thought you understood me. Apparently I was right not to trust people."
• "That's strange, you reacted just like the others. You disappoint me."
• "I can see now that you have flaws I had not seen. What a shame."

What this reveals: The person is starting to project their own wounds onto you. You have gone from "saviour" to "disappointment". There is no nuance: you are either all white or all black. This is what Jeffrey Young calls early maladaptive schemas — in particular the abandonment or defectiveness schema.

Phase 3: Active devaluation (weeks 16 to 52)

This is where the cycle becomes clearly visible in the conversation. The messages become critical, belittling, sometimes openly hostile:

• "You are selfish, you only think about yourself."
• "Honestly, I am with you out of pity."
• "Other people tell me you are not good for me. They are right."
• "I do not know why I believed in you. You are just like everyone else."

Messages that once spoke of "us" now speak of "me and my needs". Compliments disappear. Every message becomes an opportunity to point out your shortcomings. What this reveals: The person is now projecting their own flaws onto you. They hold you responsible for their unhappiness. They may even use your qualities against you ("You are too kind, that is why you are weak"). In clinical psychology this is called projection — a defence mechanism in which one attributes to the other what one cannot accept in oneself.

Phase 4: The reconciliation cycle (optional but frequent)

If you try to leave or to set boundaries, the person may suddenly return to phase 1:

• "I am sorry, you are right. You are the best person in the world. I do not know what is wrong with me."
• "I love you so much. I am going to change, I promise you."
• "Without you I am nothing. Come back, please."

This message looks like the first one, but it carries a different charge: it is an attempt at control, not an authentic expression of love. The time-stamped messages show it clearly — the cycle repeats every 3 or 4 months, not just once.

Why writing makes this so visible

Rereading hundreds of messages on your own is gruelling and often confusing: "Was it really like that? Maybe I am exaggerating." The analysis provided by ScanMyLove brings these patterns out over time, showing the frequency of pejorative terms, the gradual disappearance of affectionate ones, and the repetition of the cycles. Writing does not lie. It freezes the sequence.

You can see:

• The exact date when the tone changed


• The frequency of reproaches versus compliments


• The recurring themes of devaluation


• The timing of the "I love you" messages that coincide with your attempts to leave

It is this objectivity that makes message analysis so powerful. You do not have to rely on your emotional memory — the messages speak for themselves.

The psychological roots of this cycle

This pattern is well documented in people with narcissistic, borderline or anxiously attached traits. According to John Bowlby's work on attachment, these individuals have often experienced unstable parental relationships in which love was conditional or unpredictable. They reproduce that pattern with their partners.

As we saw in our article on Gottman's 4 horsemen, chronic criticism is one of the most alarming signs of a relationship in danger. The idealisation-devaluation cycle amplifies this destructive mechanism by making it unpredictable: you never know whether the next message will be a declaration of love or an attack.

How to respond if you recognise this cycle

1. Document without dramatising Keep your messages. Not to use them against the other person, but to clarify your own perception. Rereading them chronologically helps break the emotional confusion. 2. Look for signs of manipulation Progressive devaluation coupled with cyclical requests for forgiveness is a sign of relational manipulation. It is not normal. 3. Understand your own wounds If this cycle attracts you or paralyses you, explore your early schemas. Why do you accept being idealised and then devalued? It may point to an abandonment or defectiveness wound. 4. Set clear boundaries Direct, unemotional messages work best: "I notice that our exchanges are becoming critical. I will only continue this relationship if we can communicate respectfully." 5. Consult a professional If you are caught in this cycle, a therapist can help you identify your attachment patterns and build healthier relationships.

The real question: is this a toxic relationship?

An idealisation-devaluation cycle is not a passing misunderstanding. It is a relational pattern that repeats, intensifies and lasts over time. The messages prove it. And unlike spoken promises, writing cannot be reinterpreted.

If you see this cycle in your conversations — months of messages swinging between "you are perfect" and "you are worthless" — you are not living a healthy relationship. You are living a relationship based on emotional control.

The good news? You can leave. And the messages you have kept can remind you why.

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Gildas Garrec, CBT psychotherapist in Nantes