Cyclical Promises: The Periodic Return of the Same Never-Kept Commitments

"This time, I promise" — for the fifth time

"I'll change." "It won't happen again." "This time it's different, I promise you." These phrases moved you, because they seemed sincere. And maybe they were, in the moment. The problem isn't the promise — it's that it returns, identical, in cycles, without ever materializing. Cyclical promises are one of the most effective devices for keeping someone in a relationship: as long as there's a promise, there's hope.

In the article that follows, I explore how to read your partner's messages. I also want you to know about ScanMyLove, a tool that analyses your conversations with your partner from a simple export of your exchanges. The results help you understand the interaction and the patterns at play in your relationship.

And this is where memory betrays us: with each new promise, you feel a fresh start. You forget that the same one has already been made — and broken. The history, though, doesn't forget.

🔗 Analyze your conversations with ScanMyLove — Your messages remember what memory softens: an objective read of the thread can show how many times the same “this time I promise” has already come — and broken.

A promise says nothing; its repetition says everything

A broken promise happens to everyone. What characterizes manipulation (conscious or not) is the cycle: fault → promise of change → lull → relapse → new fault → same promise. And that cycle, by definition, doesn't show in an isolated promise. It shows in the comparison between successive promises.

The written word freezes the exact words. Scrolling back, you can place side by side the "I'll change" of six months ago, of three months ago, of last week — often phrased almost identically, followed by the same relapses. This textual repetition, undeniable once set side by side, dissolves the illusion of the "fresh start."

The cycle, step by step

Re-read over time, the sequence of cyclical promises follows a recognizable pattern:

The transgression — a fault (lie, lapse, hurt).

The crisis — your reaction, your pain, sometimes the threat to leave.

The reparative promise — a solemn commitment to change, often with intense declarations of love.

The lull — a period of real effort, which feeds hope and makes you stay.

The relapse — the return to the original behavior, and the cycle restarts.

It's phase 4 (the lull) that makes the cycle so tenacious: it proves "it's possible," so you wait for it to come back. Intermittent reinforcement does the rest.

The written markers to observe

• Lexical repetition: the same commitment formulas ("I promise you," "never again") return at regular intervals.
• The absence of the concrete: promises stay vague ("I'll make an effort") with no plan or verifiable act.
• The fault → promise correlation: the commitment always surfaces after a transgression and a crisis, never spontaneously.
• The gap between words and follow-up: the next messages show the return to square one.

Reconstructing this cycle from memory is nearly impossible: each promise erases the previous one in our minds. The analysis from ScanMyLove highlights these recurrences in your exchange history — the repeated commitments, their periodicity, the absence of follow-through — making visible a cycle hope made you forget.

Breaking the cycle

Seeing the repetition is to begin no longer believing blindly:

• Compare the promises, don't live them one by one. Before letting yourself be moved by an "I'll change," re-read the previous ones. The written past predicts better than the present impulse.
• Demand the concrete, not words. A sincere intention to change comes with acts and plans, not just declarations.
• Measure acts, not promises. Change is proven in the duration of behaviors, not the intensity of the commitment.
• Protect yourself from sustained hope. Understanding why these promises hook you — via a psychological test on emotional dependence — helps you regain footing; and support at the practice helps you leave the cycle if the acts never follow.

The written word defeats the amnesia of hope

Cyclical promises work because hope erases memory: each time, you believe it's the one. The history restores what hope wipes out — the same promise, again and again, followed by the same relapse. Where a "this time I promise" renews your faith, the sequence reminds you how many times you've already heard it. And a promise that returns identical always says more than its sincerity in the moment.

Gildas Garrec, CBT Psychopractitioner