The Cognitive Distortions That Appear in Black and White in Your Messages

When our thoughts distort what the other writes

Cognitive and behavioral therapy (CBT), following Aaron Beck, identified cognitive distortions: systematic ways of warping reality that fuel suffering and conflict. In a couple, these distortions don't stay in our heads — they get written. "You never listen to me" (overgeneralization), "I know exactly what you're thinking" (mind reading), "if you don't reply, it's over" (catastrophizing): so many warped thoughts that, laid down in a message, become observable.

The advantage of the written word: these distortions leave precise lexical markers. And their repetition, readable in the history, reveals thought automatisms rather than truths about the couple.

Why a message isn't enough

An occasional exaggeration ("you're always late" on an irritated evening) is in no way worrying. What matters is the recurrence of a same type of distortion: the person who systematically generalizes, who constantly ascribes intentions, who dramatizes every incident. These automatisms only show over time.

The written word preserves them in their exact phrasing. Re-reading, you spot the recurring "always" and "never," the recurring "I know what you're thinking," the repeated catastrophizing leaps. These markers, added up, sketch a distorting reading grid — and naming it is to begin freeing yourself from it.

The main distortions and their written markers

• Overgeneralization: "always," "never," "all the time," "as usual" — an incident becomes a law.
• Mind reading: "I know what you're thinking," "you're doing it on purpose," "you're trying to…" — intentions ascribed without proof.
• Catastrophizing: "it's hopeless," "we're going to break up," "it's the end" — a detail becomes a catastrophe.
• Personalization: "it's because of me" or "you're doing it to hurt me" — everything is referred to oneself.
• All-or-nothing thinking: "either you love me or you leave" — no nuance, no gray.
• Mental filter: keeping only the negative, ignoring all the positive of the exchange.

Each, in isolation, is human. Their regular presence turns communication into a source of self-fueling conflict.

Reading distortions in the history

• Absolute vocabulary: density of "always," "never," "nothing," "no one."
• Ascribing intentions: frequency of messages that attribute thoughts to the other.
• Catastrophizing leaps: a minor incident escalated to the end of the world.
• The gap with the facts: does the thought fit the message received, or a distortion?

Spotting your own distortions in the heat is nearly impossible — they feel like evidence. The analysis from ScanMyLove helps see, in your exchange history, these recurring markers — to tell what the other actually wrote from what the distortion made you read.

Correcting the warped reading

CBT offers simple tools, applicable from the written word:

• Hunt the absolute. Facing an "always"/"never," ask: is it really always? One exception is enough to defuse.
• Check instead of guessing. Rather than "I know what you're thinking," ask: "what did you mean?"
• De-dramatize. Facing catastrophizing, bring it back to the real proportion: a curt message isn't a breakup.
• Work on your automatisms. A psychological test can illuminate your thought patterns; and support at the practice trains you to restructure these distortions.

The written word puts distortions before your eyes

Our cognitive distortions are insidious because they disguise themselves as evidence: you don't "think" you're distorting, you "see" reality. The written word breaks that illusion: laid on the screen, the "always," the intent-readings, the announced catastrophes become visible for what they are. Where the warped thought seems true in the moment, the history reveals the pattern — and recognizing a distortion is to stop taking your own warp for the truth of the other.

Gildas Garrec, CBT Psychotherapist in Nantes