Adoption and Your Relationship: Navigating This Transformative Journey

Imagine Sarah and Mark, together for eight years, who have just received the long-awaited call: a child could be entrusted to them in the coming weeks. After three years of procedures, interviews, and waiting, this moment should be one of pure joy. Yet, Sarah finds herself crying for no reason, while Mark compulsively immerses himself in furnishing the nursery. Between them, conversations are cut short, each managing their emotions in their own corner.

This situation is one I regularly observe in my practice. Adoption, though a deeply desired project, represents one of the most complex challenges a couple can face. Unlike pregnancy, which offers nine months of gradual preparation, adoption imposes a journey of uncertainties, profound self-reflection, and constant adaptation.

In this article, we will explore together how this transformative experience impacts couple dynamics and how you, as a couple, can successfully navigate this extraordinary human adventure.

The Psychological Impact of Adoption on Couples

Grieving Biological Parenthood

Even before welcoming a child, most adoptive couples go through what psychologists call the "grief over infertility" or "grief of biological parenthood." This stage, theorized by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, generally follows the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

This process is not synchronous between partners. One may have completed their grief over biological pregnancy while the other remains stuck in anger or sadness. This emotional asynchrony often creates tension:

• Feeling of mutual misunderstanding: "He/she doesn't understand me."
• Guilt: "I shouldn't still be thinking about this."
• Impatience: "Why can't he/she move on?"

Anticipatory Anxiety

The adoption journey generates what we in CBT call anticipatory anxiety. Unlike couples who conceive naturally and know a due date, you live in constant uncertainty. This uncertainty activates the dysfunctional cognitive schemas described by Aaron Beck:

• Catastrophic thoughts: "What if they ultimately reject us?"
• Rumination: "Did I say the right thing during the interview?"
• Hypervigilance: Scrutinizing every sign, every phone call.

Differences in Emotional Management

John Gottman's research on couples shows that men and women tend to manage prolonged stress differently. In the context of adoption:

Common reactions in women:

• Need to verbalize emotions
• Seeking social support
• Tendency to ruminate

Common reactions in men:

• Focus on action and problem-solving
• Emotional withdrawal to "protect" their partner
• Intellectualization of emotions

These differences, normal in themselves, can create misunderstandings if they are not understood and accepted.

Specific Challenges of the Administrative Process

The Pressure of Constant Evaluation

The approval process places couples under a constant microscope. Every interaction with social services is scrutinized, analyzed, evaluated. This pressure generates several detrimental psychological phenomena:

#### The Adaptive "False Self"

Developed by psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, this concept describes the tendency to present an "acceptable" version of oneself rather than one's true personality. In the context of adoption:

• Self-censorship: "I can't say I have doubts."
• Relational performance: Playing the perfect couple during visits.
• Emotional exhaustion: Maintaining this facade requires considerable energy.

#### Impact on Couple Intimacy

This constant evaluation can transform your intimate relationship into an object of external assessment. Some couples report:

• A decrease in spontaneity in their interactions
• The feeling of being "spied on" even in the intimacy of their home
• Arguments about the "right way" to react to evaluators

Managing Delays and Uncertainty

The wait, sometimes for several years, severely tests a couple's resilience. Free Psychological Tests show that prolonged uncertainty activates chronic stress mechanisms, with consequences for:

• Communication: Increase in minor conflicts
• Libido: Decrease in physical intimacy
• Shared projects: Difficulties in planning for the future

Strengthening Communication During Adoption

Nonviolent Communication Techniques

Developed by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) proves particularly valuable during the adoption journey. This four-step approach helps navigate complex emotions:

Observation without evaluation: "I noticed you've been silent since our appointment."

Expression of feelings: "I feel worried and disconnected from you."

Identification of needs: "I need to understand what you're feeling."

Formulation of a request: "Can you tell me what's on your mind?"

Creating an Emotional Sharing Ritual

I recommend that couples establish a weekly moment dedicated to sharing their adoption-related emotions. This practice, inspired by systemic therapies, allows for:

#### Ritual Structure:

• Duration: Maximum 30 minutes


• Frequency: Weekly, fixed day


• Rules: No solutions, just listening


• Format: Each person has 10 minutes to express themselves without interruption

#### Observed Benefits:

• Reduction of emotional accumulation


• Better synchronization of internal states


• Decrease in projections and misunderstandings

Managing Differences of Opinion

It is normal to have different views on certain aspects of adoption. The most frequent divergences concern:

The desired age of the child:

• One prefers a baby, the other accepts an older child
• Approach: Explore each person's underlying fears

The type of adoption:

• National vs. international adoption
• Approach: List the pros and cons together

The degree of openness with birth parents:

• Closed vs. open adoption
• Approach: Discuss fundamental family values

Key takeaway: Differences are not obstacles but opportunities to get to know each other better and build your vision of family together.

Managing Stress and Anxiety Together

Couple Emotional Regulation Techniques

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy offers concrete tools for managing the stress of the adoption journey together:

#### Synchronized Breathing

• Technique: Sit face-to-face, breathe together for 5 minutes


• Effect: Activation of the parasympathetic nervous system


• Ideal moment: Before or after an important appointment

#### Grounding for Two

• Technique: Together, name 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you touch, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you taste


• Effect: Anchoring in the present moment


• Use: During peaks of anxiety

#### Collaborative Cognitive Restructuring
When one of you develops catastrophic thoughts, the other can help identify cognitive distortions:

Common thoughts:

• "We'll never be selected."
• "We're going to fail as parents."
• "This child will never love us."

Helpful questions:

• "What evidence do we have for this thought?"
• "What would we say to a friend in this situation?"
• "What is the most realistic interpretation?"

Creating an External Support System

Your couple cannot bear the entire emotional weight of adoption alone. It is essential to develop a diverse support network:

#### Recommended Types of Support:

• Adoptive parent associations: Sharing similar experiences


• Professional support: Psychologist specializing in adoption


• Family and friends: Unconditional emotional support


• Support groups: Free expression without judgment

#### Distributing Support Roles:

• One can turn to their family, the other to friends


• Avoid seeking the same type of support in the same place


• Respect if one needs less external support

The Importance of Maintaining Individuality

Paradoxically, to get through this ordeal together, it is also necessary to preserve your individuality. Jeffrey Young, creator of schema therapy, emphasizes the importance of autonomy in healthy relationships.

Recommended practices:

• Maintain personal activities unrelated to adoption
• Maintain individual friendships
• Allow yourselves moments without talking about adoption
• Develop personalized stress management strategies

Preparing for the Child's Arrival as a Team

Adapting Couple Roles

The arrival of an adopted child requires a more complex redefinition of roles than a biological birth. The child arrives with their history, potential traumas, and habits. This reality demands specific adaptation from the couple.

#### Division of Responsibilities:

Immediate reception phase (0-3 months):

• Define who will be the primary caregiver
• Alternate daily responsibilities
• Plan recovery time for each person

Adaptation phase (3-12 months):

• Regularly re-evaluate the division of tasks
• Adjust to the child's specific needs
• Maintain communication about difficulties encountered

Managing Attachment Differences

It is common for the child to initially develop a preferential attachment with one of the parents. This situation, though normal according to John Bowlby's attachment theory, can create marital tensions.

#### Adaptation Strategies:

• Accept different timelines: Attachment builds gradually


• Don't take it personally: Initial rejection is not definitive


• Support the "rejected" parent: Avoid "I told you so" comments


• Create special moments: Each parent develops their own rituals

Anticipating Specific Challenges

Contrary to popular belief, the first few months with an adopted child can be more emotionally complex than with a biological child.

#### Frequent Emotional Challenges:

The "good parent" syndrome:

• Pressure to prove one deserves this child
• Guilt in the face of normal difficulties
• Exhaustion from overcompensation

Affective ambivalence:

• Simultaneous love and frustration
• Guilt for not feeling immediate love
• Questioning one's parenting ability

Hypervigilance:

• Excessive monitoring of the child's development
• Interpreting every difficulty as a consequence of abandonment
• Exhaustion from over-stimulation

The Psychology and Serenity Practice regularly supports couples through this delicate phase, where adjustments are constant and patience is severely tested.

Maintaining Couple Intimacy

Preserving Couple Space

The arrival of an adopted child can absorb all your emotional energy. However, maintaining your couple relationship remains fundamental for overall family balance.

#### Concrete Strategies:

Daily couple time:

• 15 minutes after the child goes to bed
• No discussion about the child or adoption
• Focus on your relationship and personal projects

Weekly dates:

• Outing or special moment for two
• Call on family or friends for childcare
• Rediscover your identity as a couple, not just as parents

Intimate communication:

• Express emotional and physical needs
• Adjust frequency without guilt
• Create new rituals of tenderness

Managing Post-Adoption Fatigue and Stress

The first few years following adoption are often marked by intense physical and emotional exhaustion. This fatigue naturally impacts couple intimacy.

#### CBT Approach:

Identification of dysfunctional thoughts:

• "We should be happy now."
• "If we were real parents, it would be easier."
• "Our couple is no longer a priority."

Cognitive restructuring