Emotional Dependency Test: 20 Questions to Evaluate Yourself

Gildas Garrec—CBT Psychotherapist—21 mai 2025

9 min read

You have doubts. Something about the way you love doesn't feel right, and you sense it. Maybe you check your phone too often. Maybe the other person's silence makes you feel sick.

Maybe you've canceled a dinner with friends "just in case" they become available. Maybe you're simply tired of that permanent knot in your stomach.

This test is designed to help you see more clearly. It is in no way a substitute for a professional diagnosis, but it will give you a reliable first indication of your level of emotional dependency, based on criteria used in clinical psychology and CBT.

Key takeaway: This test is an indicative self-assessment tool. It does not constitute a diagnosis. If your results concern you, a consultation with a CBT-trained psychotherapist will allow for a more refined evaluation and the définition of appropriate support.

How This Test Works

The Principle

20 questions covering five main dimensions of emotional dependency: fear of abandonment, need for validation, self-sacrifice, tolerance for solitude, and repetitive patterns. These dimensions correspond to the most reliable clinical markers identified in research on insecure attachment and Young's early maladaptive schémas.

The Scoring

For each question, assign a score from 0 to 3 based on how frequently the situation applies to you:

0 = Never or rarely
1 = Sometimes (once or twice a month)
2 = Often (several times a week)
3 = Almost always (daily)

Note your answer to each question, then add up your total.

Optimal Conditions

Answer alone, in a calm moment, thinking about your overall functioning over the last three months (not just the past week). If you're at the beginning of a relationship, your answers may be amplified by the intensity of the crystallization phase—that's normal. Prioritize a holistic view of your recurring relational patterns.

The 20 Questions

Dimension 1 — Fear of Abandonment (Questions 1-5)

Question 1. When my partner doesn't respond to a message within an hour, I experience disproportionate anxiety (knot in my stomach, catastrophic scenarios, urge to check my phone). Question 2. The idea that my partner might leave me triggers a terror that goes beyond simple sadness—it's a feeling of existential emptiness. Question 3. I'm constantly alert for signs that might indicate the other person is withdrawing: a slightly curt tone, an absent look, an "I'm tired." Question 4. I've already accepted being treated disrespectfully or neglectfully rather than risk a breakup. Question 5. After even a minor argument, I'm overwhelmed by the fear that this is "the beginning of the end" and I immediately seek to repair the bond.

Dimension 2 — Need for Validation (Questions 6-9)

Question 6. I need the other person to regularly tell me they love me to feel secure. Gestures and indirect proofs aren't enough—I need the words. Question 7. My mood depends heavily on my partner's attitude. If they're distant, my day is ruined. If they're affectionate, everything is fine. Question 8. I often seek the other person's approval before making décisions, even for minor choices (what to eat, what to wear, what series to watch). Question 9. When I receive a compliment from my partner, the relief is short-lived. Very quickly, doubt returns: "Did they really mean it?"

Dimension 3 — Self-Sacrifice (Questions 10-13)

Question 10. I've given up activities, friends, or personal projects to be more available for the other person, even without them asking. Question 11. I often say yes when I mean no, for fear that expressing disagreement might cause conflict or distance. Question 12. I tend to anticipate the other person's needs and adapt to them before they even express them, sometimes at the expense of my own wishes. Question 13. When I do something for myself (an outing, time alone, a personal pleasure), I feel guilty, as if I'm "stealing" time from the relationship.

Dimension 4 — Tolerance for Solitude (Questions 14-17)

Question 14. The idea of spending an entire weekend alone causes me more anxiety than enthusiasm. Question 15. Outside of my romantic relationship, I struggle to identify what defines me, what I'm passionate about, what makes me unique. Question 16. After a breakup, I tend to rush into a new relationship rather than experience the grieving phase alone. Question 17. When I'm alone, I feel incomplete, as if I'm missing an essential piece to function normally.

Dimension 5 — Repetitive Patterns (Questions 18-20)

Question 18. I notice my romantic relationships follow a similar pattern: intense beginning, rising anxiety, crises, and often a painful end. Question 19. I tend to be attracted to emotionally unavailable, distant, or unpredictable people—and I lose interest in stable, reassuring people. Question 20. Looking at my relationship history as a whole, I recognize that the partner changes but my suffering remains the same.

Interpreting Your Score

Calculate Your Total

Add up your 20 responses. The minimum score is 0, the maximum is 60.

Interpretation Scale

Score 0-15: Low Émotional Dependency

Your relational functioning appears globally healthy. You're capable of intimacy without fusion, solitude without panic, and expressing your needs without emotional pleading. Occasional fluctuations (some anxiety early in a relationship, a need for reassurance during stressful periods) are normal and don't constitute emotional dependency. Continue cultivating your balance.

Score 16-30: Moderate Émotional Dependency

Some dependency patterns are present and deserve your attention. You're not experiencing extreme suffering, but you recognize behaviors that limit you: a tendency to lose yourself in relationships, heightened sensitivity to the other person's signals, difficulty being fully fulfilled alone.

This is the ideal time to act, before these patterns intensify. A few months of CBT work can be enough to defuse these automatisms.

Score 31-45: High Émotional Dependency

Your score indicates significant emotional dependency that likely has concrete impact on your daily life: chaotic relationships, pervasive relationship anxiety, loss of identity in the couple, difficulty setting boundaries. These patterns are not inevitable—they reflect early relational learning that can be reprogrammed. Structured therapeutic support is strongly recommended.

Score 46-60: Severe Émotional Dependency

Your relational functioning is currently a source of significant suffering. Émotional dependency at this level likely impacts all areas of your life: relationships, friendships, work, self-esteem.

It's essential not to face this situation alone. A CBT-trained psychotherapist can support you through a structured protocol to regain control of your relational life.

Key takeaway: Regardless of your score, it doesn't define you. It captures your current functioning, not your identity. Émotional dependency can be worked on, transformed, and overcome. This test is a first step in raising awareness—what comes next is up to you.

Understanding Your Highest Dimensions

Beyond your overall score, look at where your highest points are concentrated.

If "Fear of Abandonment" Dominates (Questions 1-5)

Your central pattern is likely linked to anxious attachment formed in childhood. Your internal alarm system is hyperactive: it detects abandonment threats where there aren't any. This is the dimension most directly related to Bowlby's attachment theory.

If "Need for Validation" Dominates (Questions 6-9)

Your self-esteem is probably conditional—it depends on the other person's view of you. This pattern is often associated with childhood where love was given in exchange for performance, conformity, or "goodness." Therapeutic work will aim to build unconditional self-esteem.

If "Self-Sacrifice" Dominates (Questions 10-13)

You're probably in a pattern of self-denial (Young's self-denial schéma). You learned early on that your rôle was to take care of others, not yourself. This pattern can be fertile ground for codependency and relational exhaustion.

If "Tolerance for Solitude" Dominates (Questions 14-17)

Your identity is probably fused with that of your successive partners. Solitude isn't experienced as freedom but as an unbearable void. Therapeutic work will include rebuilding a solid individual identity.

If "Repetitive Patterns" Dominates (Questions 18-20)

You've clearly identified the pattern. This is actually good news: awareness of the pattern is the first lever for change. The question is no longer "Do I have a problem?" but "Am I ready to work on it?"

What Next?

This test is a tool for awareness, not an endpoint. If your results give you pause, three paths are open to you:

1. Deepen your understanding. Our comprehensive article on emotional dependency explores in detail the mechanisms, causes, and 6-step CBT protocol for breaking free. 2. Take the interactive quiz. Our interactive quiz offers a dynamic version of this test with automatic scoring and detailed interpretation. 3. Consult a professional. If your score exceeds 30, therapeutic support is recommended. A CBT-trained psychotherapist can refine the assessment, identify the early schémas at play, and build a concrete action plan with you.

Do you recognize yourself in this test and want to take action? Gildas Garrec, CBT psychotherapist in Nantes, offers structured support to break free from emotional dependency. The Freedom Program (deconstructing dependency schémas) and the Silence Program (befriending solitude) are specifically designed for this issue. Book a first consultation

Sources and References:

– Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. Basic Books.

– Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schéma Therapy: A Practitioner's Guide. Guilford Press.

– Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment Styles Among Young Adults. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226-244.

– Sirvent, C., & Moral, M. V. (2018). Émotional Dependency Construct: Psychometric Properties. Clinical and Health Psychology, 18(2), 25-36.

Related Articles:

– Émotional Dependency: Recognize It, Understand It, and Break Free

– Émotional Dependency and Anxious Attachment: The Deep Connection

– How to Help a Loved One with Émotional Dependency Without Exhausting Yourself

– Interactive Quiz: Assess Your Émotional Dependency