Loving to Infinity: Denis Marquet, CBT and love as transformation path

TL;DR : Denis Marquet's framework identifies three distinct levels of love: fusion love based on emotional need and dependency, exchange love operating as a hidden contract between partners, and unconditional love arising from inner fullness rather than lack. Cognitive behavioral therapy provides concrete clinical pathways to move from dependent attachment toward mature love by building individual security, distinguishing chosen commitment from biological attachment, and separating desire from fear-driven behavior. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy aligns with this vision by clarifying unconditional love as a directional value rather than achievable goal, defusing anxious thoughts, accepting relational uncertainty, and committing to loving actions despite fear. Five practices support conscious love: total presence in listening, daily appreciation, avoiding projection of personal shadows onto partners, maintaining protective boundaries against harm, and preserving mutual freedom. Marquet bridges psychological development with spiritual experience, suggesting that mature love transcends individual boundaries and creates presence within moments. Rather than natural gift or chance, loving to infinity represents a learnable path combining psychological growth with purposeful practice and spiritual dimension.

Step 3 — From Psyche to Spirituality. We first dared our deep desires (article 1), then saw how this "I" meets the other in parenting (article 2). Now comes the question Denis Marquet addresses in Loving to Infinity (Aimer à l'infini): what does it truly mean to love? Beyond need, possession, fear of being alone — does a form of love exist that liberates rather than imprisons? This philosophical and spiritual question in Marquet finds precise resonances in couple CBT and 3rd-wave therapy.

The 3 loves according to Marquet

Marquet distinguishes three levels, found in clinical literature under other names:

1. Fusion love (disguised need)

"I need you, without you I'm nothing." Love that clings, demands, controls. In CBT, this is affective dependency: the other becomes an emotional prosthesis. Intense passion first, inevitable suffering after. Correlated with anxious attachment (Bowlby).

2. Exchange love (hidden contract)

"I love you provided that…". Love becomes transactional: I give, you reciprocate. Accounting sets in. When perceived balance breaks, the relationship deteriorates. The contract-marriage Gottman documents as vulnerable to separation.

3. Unconditional love (shared freedom)

Love that asks nothing in return, not because dispossessed of self, but because born of inner fullness. What Marquet names "loving to infinity." What positive psychology calls mature love (Fromm), what spirituality sometimes calls agapè.

The clinical problem: how to move from level 1 to level 3

Most people oscillate between levels 1 and 2. The third seems theoretical, distant. Yet CBT offers a concrete path:

Stage A: work on inner security

You can't love unconditionally from lack. Individual psychotherapy often precedes the capacity for mature love. Work on schemas of abandonment, defectiveness, mistrust (Young). Build inner security no longer dependent on the other's presence.

Stage B: distinguish attachment from love

Attachment is biological — same brain circuits as drug withdrawal. Love is a conscious choice. Don't confuse "I can't live without you" (attachment) with "I choose your presence every day" (love).

Stage C: desire without fear

Marquet insists: loving to infinity isn't wanting nothing from the other. Desire remains — desire for presence, sensuality, shared project. But no longer contaminated by fear of losing.

The ACT parallel

ACT proposes a strikingly convergent vision:

• Clarify the value of unconditional love as direction (not goal)


• Defuse from anxious thoughts


• Accept the discomfort of relational uncertainty


• Commit to concrete loving actions even when afraid

The 5 practices of conscious love

From Marquet / CBT / Gottman crossover:

1. Total presence: listening without preparing answer. 90% of conflicts come from listening deficit. 2. Active appreciation: name one appreciated thing daily. Gottman's 5:1 ratio predicts couple durability. 3. Non-projection: what you reproach in the other is often your own shadow. 4. Protective framework: loving unconditionally doesn't mean accepting everything. Clear limits on violence, lying, contempt protect love. 5. Mutual freedom: each remains a complete person. Fusional = announced end. Close and free = lasting.

The bridge to spirituality

Marquet asks what CBT often avoids: what if conscious love opens a spiritual dimension? Not institutional religion, but an experience of presence transcending individual boundaries. Loving without expecting is experiencing a form of eternity in the instant.

This reading isn't required from everyone. But for those sensitive to it, Marquet offers a bridge CBT leaves open without exploring: mature love is already a spiritual path.

Takeaway

Loving to infinity is neither natural gift nor chance of fate. It's a path. CBT proposes concrete steps; Marquet offers the vision that orients them.

If your relationship to love makes you suffer — invasive jealousy, dependency, repetition of same stories, fear of loving — CBT support can lead you, step by step, from level 1 to level 3 Marquet calls "loving to infinity."

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Next and last article in this series: Joy — step 4: full Spirituality.