Caspering: The Polite Fake Ghosting That Lulls Suspicion

Caspering: When Politeness Becomes a Silent Avoidance Weapon

As a CBT practitioner, I regularly encounter accounts of complex relationships where boundaries blur and uncertainty becomes a constant companion. Among these dynamics, "Caspering" is a particularly insidious form of fake ghosting. Far from the brutal disappearance of classic ghosting, Caspering manifests as a series of ambiguous, polite, and evasive messages that keep the door slightly ajar without ever fully opening or closing it. It's a dance of uncertainty, where sweet words mask progressive disengagement, making the situation all the more difficult to decipher.

In the article that follows, I explore communication within the couple. On this theme, I designed a couple communication test to help you take stock of your communication patterns as a couple, with a guide to go further. And if you have real messages to decode, ScanMyLove analyses your conversations with your partner from a simple export and reveals the true dynamic of the relationship. I also wrote a book on this subject, Together, but No Longer Talking, if you would like to go further.

Analyzing these written exchanges is crucial. An isolated message can always be reinterpreted, tinged with hope or excuses. "He's just swamped right now," "she has so much to deal with..." These thoughts—often cognitive distortions that sabotage relationships—push us to minimize what our gut tells us. But dozens, even hundreds of timestamped messages, paint a pattern. Writing freezes the sequence, making legible what speech, with its intonations and undertones, renders elusive. It's in this succession of unspoken thoughts and false appearances that Caspering reveals its manipulative nature. I also offer Psy Lounge, a space to explore this topic by voice with a CBT-trained AI.

Caspering: Soft Manipulation That Lulls Suspicion to Sleep

Caspering is an avoidance strategy dressed in the garments of benevolence. The person engaging in it lacks the courage to face a clear break or de-escalation of the relationship. Instead, they choose an apparently less conflictual path, but far more emotionally destructive. They keep you in limbo, between hope and despair, never giving you the keys to understand or act. This behavior creates attachment anxiety in the receiver, who finds themselves scrutinizing every message, every like, desperately seeking a sign of clarity or commitment. In Bowlby's attachment theory, this points to insecurity, where the attachment figure is inconsistent and unpredictable, generating profound stress. I go deeper into this mechanism in Understanding Your Attachment Style.

What makes Caspering so pernicious is that it leaves no opening for direct confrontation. How can you blame someone for being "too kind" or "too busy"? That's where the power of the written word lies: it allows you to trace the thread of these "kindnesses" and observe their emptiness over time.

Deciphering Caspering Messages: Concrete Examples

Caspering messages are characterized by their superficiality, lack of commitment, and tendency toward self-centeredness, while maintaining a facade of "good intentions." Here are some archetypes:

The Evasive and Repeated Promise:

"Sorry, swamped right now, I'll get back to you soon so we can meet up!"* "I'm drowning at the moment, but let's catch up next week, promise!"* * What it reveals: This type of message is the cornerstone of Caspering. The promise to reconnect or meet is constantly postponed, never materialized. Repeated dozens of times over several weeks, this phrase—initially understandable—becomes a pattern of avoidance and non-commitment. It sustains hope without offering substance.

Superficial Validation Followed by Disengagement:

"I saw your message, that's amazing about your project! Really sorry, crazy week, we'll talk very soon."* "Oh yeah, that's great! I'm just a bit overbooked right now to respond in detail."* * What it reveals: The person acknowledges the content of your message (sometimes even with enthusiasm), but then immediately pivots to their own limitations or unavailability. This creates a false sense of engagement while actually reinforcing distance. The validation is real, but brief—a token gesture that doesn't lead to genuine interaction or follow-through.